My blog's title for 2012: Moving Forward

Well, it looks like 2012 has started quite differently from what I expected. This change has been a lot more significant than what I thought it would be.

I suppose for the last five years, my passions were so clear and I always dreamt that these would be linked to my career. When you first enter uni, everything seems so feasible. Now, you realise that there are other things that are really important like job security, a good manager at work, relationships. And some of the things that seemed so ideal are suddenly not very ideal any more.

For the first time, I am allowing myself to sit and read a book the whole day just for leisure. I am allowing myself to watch Korean dramas one after another. I do not see my job as only temporary, it is now permanent. It is an interesting change of perspective. The things I express about myself to people are now different.

I have to admit that as much as I find this new 'life' quite liberating, I somehow often find myself having the desire to strive for something. But it is frustrating when you don't have anything to strive for. So I find myself thinking about what I could possibly strive for..

Starting a family?
More clothes and handbags?
Renovating my house?
Buying another car?
Starting a business?

Sadly, none of these things are able to satisfy this need that I have. They seem temporary, shallow, non rewarding. And as a result of this, I find myself saying rather strange non-sensical things to people when asked certain questions. I find that my brain is in a convulated state that it processes things wrongly and then spits them out in a rather distasteful manner. For example, someone asked me last night why I was going to Krabi for a holiday. In response, I said "to get away from family..." I wondered why on earth I would have said such a horrible thing and felt awful afterwards. Obviously I chose Krabi as a holiday destination because of its beautiful beaches, it would be a nice getaway for us as a couple and of course simply to do some exploring. I honestly find myself saying such strange and offensive things these days.

On a different note, I have also found that I feel completely deflated every single time I finish watching an episode of Korean drama. Every time I watch it, I am swept away into a different reality. I become so engrossed in it that it even affects my emotions. My tears stream down my cheeks which I can't seem to stop and my emotions are so caught up in all that is happening. But the minute it ends, I find myself in a totally different reality. I am back in the real world and there is no fairy tale to it. It is really quite depressing. Not the most accurate comparison to make but it's a bit like a hangover. You feel really good for a moment and after that you are left with a really bad headache and the problem is still there.

Yes I do have a lot of things going through my mind. But on top of all of what lies beneath, I am looking forward to the next three weeks of celebration, holidays and food! And even though the year has started out differently, I have decided that I am going to keep moving forward.

Happy New Year and Happy Chinese New Year!